Who am I? Searching for identity while living abroad...

How does a TCK (Third Culture kid) teen girl develop her identity?

If you are the mom of a teen daughter, you more or less know what she’s going through because you clearly remember those adolescent years. The years when emotions were amplified, feelings were felt to the extreme, and, oh my goodness, the bodily changes didn’t help either…

Erik Erikson, a German-American child psychoanalyst, divided human life into eight developmental stages. The teen years are stage five, titled “identity vs. role confusion”. This is the stage where “Who am I?’ plays a big role. On the one hand, teen girls develop a strong sense of identity when they feel free to experiment, on the other hand, they experience role confusion when they feel restricted, overwhelmed, and confused.

Now that you live abroad as an expat family and have a daughter of your own, you may notice that she started developing an idea of her identity, and also feels confused due to the many countries she’s lived in. Your TCK teen girl would like to develop her identity, but navigating and integrating influences from multiple cultural environments doesn’t make that easy. These different environments, including the countries she has called home, kindergarten, school, and college, present both unique opportunities and challenges for her development. Identity finding seems to be a balance of “fitting in” and “being authentically herself”.

James Marcia further developed Erikson’s theory into his four stages of identity formation in adolescence:

Exploration and Experimentation

In this early stage, TCK teen girls experiment with different roles, beliefs, and social circles. As they have already lived in various countries and cultures, they try to navigate and often integrate these diverse cultural environments. They may experiment with styles, languages, accents, and social circles. They try out what feels fake and what authentic to them.

Crisis and Confusion

Many TCK girls experience a period of inner conflict or crisis during their teenage years. Suddenly, they don’t know who they are anymore. They’re not the cute little girl, nor are they yet the cool 20-year-old. This is often triggered by transitions between countries and cultures or a feeling of being a perpetual outsider. This stage is characterized by questions such as “Who am I?” and usually includes moments of doubt, anxiety, and profound self-reflection. Teen girls actively seek information and ponder big and complex questions.

Identity Moratorium

In this phase, TCK teen girls generally actively and consciously try out new things and often give their parents a heart attack... They seek out alternatives to cultural norms as they explore various aspects of their identity. They don’t want to commit to any identity yet, especially as they could “try on” multiple cultural perspectives, values, and worldviews. Due to their constant mobility and cross-cultural exposure, this is a normal experience for TCKs.

Commitment and Integration

Over time, many TCK teen girls develop a strong commitment to certain values, beliefs, or aspects of their identity. Family values are being remembered, old beliefs come back to life. This can result in a sense of integration, where they accept their multicultural backgrounds and may identify most strongly with being a “TCK” or a “global citizen”. They might feel that this is their core, their essence.

If you’re a monocultural mom, you may feel that you don't understand your TCK daughter fully.

As you grew up differently and were able to go through these stages without having to adapt them to new cultures, you were able to grow traditional roots in Germany, the US, or Thailand. Your development could "concentrate" on the adolescent changes going and you didn’t have to worry about how to do that not only multiple times, but also in different cultural settings.

Given the ongoing exposure to new environments for TCK teen girls, the developmental stages are, of course, not strictly linear. They may revisit earlier stages, especially after major life changes, which might include another school or a country move. Their values will continuously evolve throughout adolescence and young adulthood. These identity formation stages place particular emphasis on flexibility, resilience, and the ability to reconcile conflicting cultural influences. Navigating complex global lives, these are critical skills for TCK teen girls.

I’ve seen the best outcomes when TCKs, their families, and their community recognized and integrate these complex identity experiences. When the teen girls’ feelings and emotions are validated and the ambiguity and hybridity are seen as normal developmental pathways.

Kindly,

Andrea