Don't let high expectations ruin your fresh school start (for teen girls)

New School Anxiety for Teen Girls...

If you're experiencing new school anxiety, you're not alone. Starting a new school can feel exciting, overwhelming, and completely unpredictable, especially for teen girls.

Well, if you're a Third Culture Kid (TCK), changing schools might be something you've experienced more than once. Each move brings new opportunities, AND it can also bring uncertainty, homesickness, and the challenge of starting over yet again.

It can also be confusing, you might be thinking: "What about my expectations, what expectations should I aim for??? I know I should aim high, but not too high! And I should definitely not aim low or too low. So, what? What is realistic???"

Let me explain what I mean:

Aiming too high could sound like this in your mind: "From day one on, I will be effortlessly cool, totally confident, make 10 new friends, like all the teachers, and never feel awkward again.”

Aiming too low could be: “This will be a total disaster. I already know it. I won’t talk to anyone, I know nobody will want to talk to me, and also that everyone will hate me.”

Both of these trains of thought are extreme (I'm sure you agree...) and neither is fair to you. Let's try this realistic version: “I will be a slightly braver version of myself than last year, and I’ll see over the next few weeks who I can be here.” Doesn't this feel not only more doable, but also easier on your heart, stomach, and brain? You’re not aiming for perfection, but you’re aiming for growth and information.

When you're adjusting to a new school, it's easy to focus on everything you can't control. But the fastest way to build confidence is to focus on what you can actually influence. So, if you don’t know where to start, start with, you guessed it, you! By now you've figured out that you cannot control the school, the teachers, the classmates, the schedule, or the way people pronounce your name...(just saying...). You can only control yourself, your thoughts, your actions, and your behavior, so I would say you're the best person to focus on.

• Your thoughts: this goes for the thoughts you feed, which ones you question, and which ones you intentionally focus on. Ah, and also the unhelpful thoughts that you don't want to address at the moment ("not now, thank you very much...").

  
  

• Your actions: what you do, even when you’re nervous. The techniques that work for you and that you turn to in emergency moments of stress and overwhelm.

• Your behavior: how you respond, how you treat yourself and others. Your body posture, the way you show up.

  
  

  All this makes you the best actor to focus on. What about:

  
  

  "I'm the main character! The school is just the setting. My current job is to learn how my character wants to show up here!"

Let's look at the different situations you might face when starting anew: new friends, new school, new place.

1. Starting at a new school: Focus on the version you want to become

The question is: What kind of version of me do I want to try being here? Maybe more honest, a bit more relaxed, slightly braver about asking questions?

I wouldn't recommend reinventing yourself completely. Just pick one tiny change to experiment with, maybe:

“This year, I’ll be the girl who actually asks for help when she doesn’t understand something.”

“This year, I’ll be the girl who lets herself be ‘average’ at new things instead of quitting because I'm not perfect at it.”

As this is more realistic, it feels lighter as it’s about small shifts, not huuuuuuge personality makeovers.

2. And again, a new place:

This is regarding everything outside school: the different streets, different food, different weather, a different language, and different ways people do “normal" here.

I know you'd like to fit in (that's normal), and this could sound like: "How do I blend in a bit?" But not: "What do people here want me to be?” You focus on you, so what about flipping that to: “What parts of me do I want to bring into this place?”

Maybe your humor, your quirky style, your favorite hobbies, or interests? You’re totally allowed to import pieces of your old life into this new one or decide to try out new ones...

What about: “I will adjust a little to this place, but I won’t erase the parts of me that I actually like.”

Having a realistic approach makes the difference.

3. Make friends at a new school

   Making friends at a new school rarely happens overnight. Strong friendships grow through repeated conversations, shared experiences, and time. We are not aiming for: “I have to make friends immediately and fast!” No, no, we're trying: “I’ll pay attention to how I feel around different people, and I’ll trust those feelings.”

Ask yourself: "Who makes me feel like I can breathe lightly with them? Who makes me feel tense and like I’m performing a character? Who seems curious about my weird, layered expat kid story and listens to me, and who gets bored and checks out?"

We're aiming to be realistic again here: You will not make friends within the first 2 minutes you meet someone, this will take time, and seeing the other person often.

How does this feel? “I will notice what and who feels good for me, I will give time to those spaces, even if it takes a while to become close.”

You choose! If your first day at a new school doesn't go perfectly, that doesn't mean the year won't. First impressions matter far less than the small actions you repeat every day. You will not like everyone, and (surprise and reality check), not everyone will like you. You’re totally allowed to decide: “I feel more like myself around this person, and definitely not that one.”

Here are two more blog posts of mine that focus on "how to make new friends"

blog post one and blog post two

Bearing all the above in mind, what about if you adopted this attitude:

“I'm not going for perfection, nor for disaster this year. And I'm going to be just a bit braver and kinder version of me in this new place.”

Braver means that you'll show up even when you're nervous. And kinder means that you don’t "bully yourself" when things feel weird or slow.

Because, let's face it:

There will be good days AND bad days here, you'll miss your old life AND still build a new one, you'll be awkward sometimes (same as your mom and me), AND that doesn’t mean you're doing it wrong (nope).

Every school transition is different. Whether you're moving to a new country, changing schools within the same city, or beginning high school, please remember that confidence isn't something you suddenly "have". It's something you build, one day and one brave and cringy moment at a time.

Let me know if this helps. I'd really appreciate your comments. Good luck with your new school, I'm rooting for you!!!

Kindly,

Andrea

P.S.: What about the Frequently Asked Questions I get asked often:

Is it normal to feel anxious about starting a new school?

Absolutely. Feeling nervous before starting a new school is completely normal, I mean, if you're not nervous then, when??? Almost every student worries about making friends, fitting in, or getting lost on the first day of school. Those feelings usually become easier and lighter as you become familiar with your new environment.

How long does it take to adjust to a new school?

Every teen is different. Some feel comfortable within a few weeks, while others need a few months. My rule of thumb with my daughter was always 2-3 months at least! Give yourself permission to adjust, but please, at your very own pace.

How can I make friends at a new school?

Try to focus on curiosity rather than on impressing people. Friendships usually develop through repeated interactions, shared interests, and opening up about yourself. The more often you see other people, the more you interact, the easier friendships develop.

What if I don't fit in?

You don't need to fit in with everyone; it's actually very normal to feel that you don't fit in and that you're different in your teen years. Everyone is trying to find and form their identity; adolescence is THE time for feeling like you don't fit in. Look for people who make you feel accepted and comfortable rather than trying to change yourself to please others.